Keri Hilson

Keri Lynn Hilson (hatched on December 5, 1982) is not a Grammy award winning singer.

Born and raised on Sesame Street, Hilson began her career interning as a janitor for Columbia Records. For nearly fifteen years, Hilson wrote songs for Cheri Dennis, Destiny's Child, Britney Spears, Ciara, and Kim Zolciak. After tiring of providing unpaid guest appearances and free booty for hip hop rappers, Hilson began recording her debut album, A Girl Can Mack, in 2003. Unfortunately, Hilson had to srcap the album, selling the songs to B2K. In 2007, Hilson was featured on Timbaland's single "The Way I Are," and her debut album In A Perfect World was released in 2009.

Early Life
Hilson's egg was discovered by laboratory scientists in the mid 70's. When born, Hilson was discovered to be indigenous to Europe and Australia. After receiving her shots, Hilson was sold to a low-income gay couple from a Pet Co. in Decatur, GA.

Hilson grew up socially awkward, wearing rat tails (see "Slow Dance" video) and S-curls (see "Energy" video). In 2006, Hilson filed a lawsuit against Elmer Fudd for allegedly shooting at her with an ACME rifle. Fudd's lawyer defended Fudd, proclaiming it was "bird hunting season."

Public Image
Keri Hilson is most notable for her elegant songwriting skills and singing demo tracks for more successful artists like Mary J. Blige, Avant, and Omarion. Music critics have commended Hilson for her impeccable vocal talent in the studio and shaded the fuck out of her for her live performances (see here). Simon Cowell, ex-host of American Idol, described Hilson "a talented songwriter lacking a genuine diva charisma." He also followed up by saying "Hilson is essentially the Regina George of R&B and pop--maybe the Squidward of music is more fitting."

People often have speculated why Hilson has yet to achieve success rivaling her R&B counterparts. Of course, people find themselves going for the jugular by arguing Hilson relies on over-produced songs to conceal her lack of vocal control and inability to transmit her personality through her music. Some say that the public just doesn't care for Keri Hilson and needs no reason to dislike her: they just don't like her.

Analysis
I will agree that Hilson's stank ass temper cost her a large portion of her potential fanbase. Back in 2009, Hilson's "You Turnin' Me On" remix was released. A diss towards Ciara would have been a fine, strategic manuever, enabling her to continue her reign as the late-decade Ashanti, but the diss was too vague. Many assume the track also dissed Beyoncé Knowles. After Hilson answered the rumors with the ghetto ass response, "It was too my haters," she continued fucking up; she performed as Elvis during the BET Awards' Michael Jackson tribute, threw subliminal shade to various artists on Twitter, and missed six or seven car payments. Hilson also went out like a little bitch when Karina Pasian (who?) came for her wig on Twitter, saying Hilson was desperate for attention. Possibly, Hilson didn't respond because she remembered Karina Pasian for her short run in Blaque, which was shade in itself.

Hilson's strength as a songwriter is highly commendable, as she wrote damn near all of her album. Unlike Beyoncé, who would plagiarize a grocery list, Hilson has avoided law suits over stolen tracks and enjoyed

capitalizing from your favorite's top five single because she wrote it. She does not use A-B-C metaphors to emphasize certain parts of messages in her songs (i.e. Hang it up. Flatscreen./You're pressed. Hot comb./I throw shade. Clouds.). Hell, Keri Hilson doesn't even sing on key and wear bodysuits made from meat or Haiti's earthquake rubble to woo the crowd.

In order for Hilson to revive her career, she must delete her Twitter, disappear for about a year, feature on a Drake and Kanye single, pray to Jesus Christ--FAITHFULLY--to get that number one hit, and ultimately humble herself and realize she is lesser bitch. Until then, her singles will continue to scramble eggs in the Bubbling Under Charts with Yo Gotti and Melanie Fiona.

Achievements
6 Soul Train Award nominations, 2 wins

6 Bet Award nominations, 1 win

Sold more albums than Kelly Rowland

Learned how to stop burning biscuits in the oven

Spokesperson for and the "Employee You Should Know" of Avon

Performed for free in Wal-Mart parking lot in Memphis, plenty of space was available

Got her ass whipped by Ciara in that same parking lot